50-year-old caregiver refuses to let her 52-year-old diabetic bedbound husband, who sleeps 20 hours a day, come on the family cruise vacation with her and her 2 daughters: 'He’s mad and sulking.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Jun 9, 2025 12:00 PM EDT

It is incredibly difficult to be responsible for the full-time care of another adult. That is how many people make their living, which is, unfortunately, not as well-paid as it should be; however, many people do this work for their family members for free. It's not like there's a season where somebody who requires full-time care doesn't need that care. It's a 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week gig. A dependent sick person isn't a project that can be put on the back burner while someone takes a break from caring for them.

It can be frustrating when a loved one is sick in a way that they can actually do the work to manage, but they refuse to manage it. There's a big difference between being helpless to improve your condition, or doing everything the doctor says to no avail, and actively ignoring advice or coping strategies that could actually help one recover. 

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    AITAH? I don’t want my husband coming on a family cruise

    I (50f) have been with my (52m) husband for 24 years. Over the past few years, he's aged in dog years. My fun-loving, energetic happy husband has become. someone who only sits and stares at the wall. When he's not doing that, he's sleeping. Without
    via u/50isnotthenew90

  • The husband in this story could do a lot more to manage his diabetes, but instead, he forces his wife to be his caretaker while he sleeps for 20 hours a day. Now that she wants to take a break from being his full-time caretaker, he wants to come along.

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    Cheezburger Image 10515605504
    via AllGo - An App For Plus Size People

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    interference, he would sleep for 20 hours out of every 24. He's been like this for 4 years now, has seen 20 doctors and takes three pills for each one he saw. In January, he broke a bone in his foot walking up the stairs because he developed a heel wound and didn't tell anyone. Bone infection
    via u/50isnotthenew90
  • 04
    = weak bones. Since then, he's been hospitalized three times, had two surgeries (currently has a large external fixator on his right ankle/leg that resembles like a metal halo) and two more planned. I have to give him IV antibiotics twice a day through his PICC line(second round of 6 weeks) as he can't see well enough to do it himself. He gets
    via u/50isnotthenew90
  • 05
    daily wound care to his heel from visiting nurses that I have to do 4 days a week because they will only come three times a week. Plus, I have to change it every time the dressing falls off which is another 2-3 times a week. As you can imagine, he cannot work which forces me to carry every burden we have. I have had to
    via u/50isnotthenew90
  • 06
    work more hours to support the entire family. I have to clean our house, cook every meal, pay the bills, food shop, car maintenance, arrange and go to medical appointments. I just had to fix the garbage disposal that my husband dropped a fork into and our youngest's scooter got a flat.
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    .. Oh, did I mention we have two daughters, 21 & 12? We do or rather, I do. If someone is awake but spaced out only 4 hours a day, can you really call them a parent? A year ago, we booked a cruise for the family. A week in the Caribbean, water parks, snorkeling, sight-seeing, shows, food, you name it. We have all been looking forward to it but I am desperate to go. I'm mentally
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    GE H
    via Brandon Nelson

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    and physically exhausted. I need a vacation, a break. I'm being pulled in every direction 24/7. We learned two days ago that the large metal apparatus in his foot is not coming off anytime soon. Plus, the wound is healing incredibly slow. My husband and I talked about the cruise. It's in a month. He says he is going. I told
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    him that I didn't think he should. I told him I needed a break. That he can't do anything once we are there (he can't swim or submerge the leg with the fracture). That he isn't supposed to be up and around as he's ordered to be non-weight bearing on the one leg. I told him it would be completely unfair to me and the girls as I would be forced to nurse
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    him and push him everywhere in a wheelchair while our daughters would feel guilty about leaving him behind and going anywhere. How is that fun? I explained all that and more. He says he's going. He will just sit in the casino with all the money he doesn't have. I told him 'no'. He's mad and sulking. So, AITAH? I don't want him going.
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    **Update: To address a common theme regarding my husband's medical issues the worst thing - he has is diabetes which is/was completely uncontrolled prior to his foot fracture. By 50, he needed a second cataract removed because his average bl d sugar was 500 for years. He
    via u/50isnotthenew90
  • 13
    also has high bld pressure, high cholesterol, COPD, fatty liver ..nothing a million other people don't have and manage fine. He chooses not to. If the medicine he takes doesn't fix the problem then he needs another medicine. He had a wound on his heel that he hid from everyone. It festered then went to his bone. This entire
    via u/50isnotthenew90
  • 14
    mess was preventable but what does he care? I'm the one with all the extra work and stress. He gets to do nothing. Doesn't have to work. Doesn't have to do a thing but he should still go on the cruise? Still force me to wait on him all day every day so he gets a break? A break from what? Sleep?
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    ***Also, I should have mentioned in the OP that he has complete and utter control over his sleep schedule. When family visits or when we travel to visit his family, he's awake like a normal person. He might take an hour nap in the afternoon, but that's it. Sleeps 8-9 hours then spends the day visiting with family. Once he's
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    home, he checks out. I begged him to participate in this family for years. Wake up. Be present. He always says 'yes' then does nothing different. He's sleeping right now after falling asleep 14 hours ago. I'm up, every morning
    via u/50isnotthenew90
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    BARC BAR BAR BULLION BARS BAR
    via Carl Raw

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    at 5am with our youngest (she's an early riser) before I then wake him so I can give him his antibiotics and do wound care. When that's done, I go to work for 8-9 hours and he falls back to sleep.
    via u/50isnotthenew90
  • 19
    spookyookykittycat NTA. Everyone saying "in sickness and in health" are really weird. You're not saying you're going to divorce him over his health, but that you need a vacation/break from being his caregiver which is 100% valid.
    via u/spookyookykittycat
  • 20
    s10wanderer She gets the better or worse part, but caregiver fatigue is a very real thing too-- he can't stop chronic illness, but understanding that rest and support need to go both ways is really important! There isn't an easy solution, but this is a social support problem, not a lack of loyalty on her part.
    via u/s10wanderer
  • 21
    TheProfessional9 My wife was ill for about 8 years. Once a year or so her family would visit their apt in a city a few hours away and she would stay with them for a week. I really, really needed that break.
    via u/TheProfessional9
  • 22
    ironicallygeneral He can at least try to follow what his doctors say. Some chronic conditions can be managed, and he doesn't even seem to know (or care) if the meds would work. Otherwise 100% agree with your statement! OP's doing the in-sickness-and-in-health bit but she cannot pour from an empty cup!
    via u/ironicallygeneral
  • 23
    Creative_Pop2351 NTA. Cruise ships are cesspools, absolutely zero way i'd take someone with multiple open wounds on one.
    via u/Creative_Pop2351
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    Specific-Succotash-8 Yeah, this is actually the better reason to me, not everything OP listed. Honestly, I like cruises, but I wouldn't go on one if I was in OP's husband's state of health.
    via u/Specific-Succotash-8
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    myinstigator What happens if something happens to him on the ship? Do you have full travel medical coverage (for on a cruise/in other countries)? If no, then he needs to stay home. Medical care on a ship costs a fortune.
    via u/myinstigator
  • 26
    MistressLyda NAH/ESH Of 20 doctors, has a neurologist and a psychiatrist been in this? This sounds deeper than "just" a broken foot.
    via u/MistressLyda
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    Chimpchar Seriously, I'm baffled. Clearly there's something psychiatric going on, and if he's truly on 3+ meds (since I can't believe he's currently on three per doctor as OP says) then he needs inpatient of some sort to figure things out. Even a med per every other doctor is ten meds with no apparent effect. If he's truly 'sleeping 20 hours a day and spending the remaining four staring at walls' I don't understand how no one is more concerned about this, especially over that many years. Whether
    via u/Chimpchar
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    And I'm sure he has some diagnosis, if he's seen that many people, or at least a selection of tentative ones. I'd like to know what they are. OP mentioned depre s on in another comment (albeit dismissively), but four years straight with no improvement is... well, it happens, but at that point it's beyond 'he's got depre s on but who hasn't' territory Imfao.
    via u/Chimpchar
  • 29
    Also confused that they booked the cruise a year ago, when he would have still been doing nothing by OP's timeline. I mean, finances change but a cruise for four isn't cheap (and for that matter, if they can cancel one ticket it might be better to simply cancel them all and go on a cheaper. vacation).
    via u/Chimpchar
  • 30
    tigerflii 1969 NTA and he should have a doctor's release before boarding which I doubt he can get. Talk to his doctor about it.
    via u/tigerflii1969

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caregiver cruise ship diabetes unhealthy wife cruise husband sleep health sick sleeping family vacation summer vacation parents vacation bed married
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